Sanity Check Failed
by GuyverChaz
Summary: The BGC verse is just a tad too uptight. All the characters know what's going on and how their universe works. Meet the guys responsible for correcting that.
1. Chapter 1

Heaven is a great place. Good architecture, and pleasant cafes are the rule. There's good food and the waiters are cheerful and polite. If you really enjoy something, that doesn't hurt other people unnecessarily, you can find it here. If you enjoy the other kind of behavior… Well there's a place for that too, but it isn't here. Nice people and other entities abound and the weather is always best suited to whatever you had planned for the day. Spanning over all of this is the silver city of the angels. Blink and it becomes Yggdrasil the great world spanning ash. Another blink and it becomes something else; the metaphors are endless and depend mostly on what you expect to see. However you view it, this is the awe inspiring system that defines, runs and connects all the realities of the universe together. Deities, spirits and the kami of your choice inhabit and run it and keep reality from tipping over into chaos. It's not a perfect system and it wasn't created to be. Keeping that in mind, and to that end, there are a lot of checks and balances to ensure none of the competing forces in the universe get too far out of balance with each other.

My partner Bob, and I work here. In our particular case we're agents of the intrinsic chaos department. Don't mistake us with any pigtailed martial artist with whom you may be familiar. Ranma has his own problems and is more a victim of chaos than a manufacturer thereof. No, my partner and I are sent in when the forces of order get too uppity. Now these people aren't necessarily evil. They're just those people who think they have the whole system figured out and want to rearrange things to better suit their own views. You know the type; grandiose plans for either conquering the world or saving it. In these persons viewpoints people are generally viewed as cogs and the universe as making sense. We get as many Hitlers as we do Charlemagnes. The truth is that the universe is set up so everyone gets a chance to do his, her or its own thing.

Our job is to go in and shake things up. Maybe tweak their notions of reality a bit. Most often we're called the finagle factor. We're that bit of sand that mucks up even the most perfect scheme. Most of the time you don't even realize we're there. Remember that plan you didn't believe could fail? All the factors accounted for etc. Then one little thing goes wrong and the whole house of cards falls down around you? Depending on how prideful you were and the scale of the plan you could have been left embarrassed or looking like Wile E. Coyote after the bomb goes off. Of course, making that one little thing go wrong without leaving any evidence of supernatural involvement is a lot of work. You really think things would have been better if Gendos plans had worked out like he hoped? Me neither and it was major pain in the ass to make sure it didn't. Oh, you're from a reality where it did? Sorry to hear that. That version will probably get pruned and the souls recycled. But, just like any other job, you do get tired of it from time to time. Bob and I were both burnt out and due for a vacation when our boss called us into her office.

Sanity Check… failed

A BubbleGum Crisis Spamfic/self-insert

Original Idea by Bob Wade and Charles Stitman

Based on Bubblegum Crisis

Copyright 2006

Bob dressed in his usual jeans and slacks met me outside the golden apple marked door of our boss. The hallway, busy only a moment ago, now appeared completely deserted as those entities around us realized which door we were preparing to enter. I didn't blame them I'd been here for almost a hundred and fifty years in this incarnation and opening this door still caused me more than a bit of trepidation. Despite being only 10 years old in her current incarnation our boss has already made a name for herself as being just as mischievous as any of her past selves and neither of us relished the idea of walking in there cold. Anything from a cream-pie to the face to the threat of imminent corporeal dissolution could be on the other side of that door and even working for her we never knew what to expect. The scariest times were those when everything seemed eerily normal. That was our boss at her most subtle.

Let me put it this way. A previous incarnation of our boss had been on vacation a couple millennia back and had decided to tweak a few goddesses. She'd rolled a golden apple marked with the words "TO THE FAIREST" amongst them. That's our boss, subtle. Given that the goddesses in question were Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite she'd have caused less damage with a holy hand grenade. Next thing anyone knew Paris had Helen spirited away to Troy and the whole Trojan War fiasco started. I've talked to her since and found out she considered the whole thing a big disappointment. She'd expected something bigger. Despite my best warning Bob had asked her what she'd anticipated. To this day I'm not entirely sure what her answer was. I'd dove out the door before that point. However, Bob had gone around afterwards muttering something about Atlantis and grape jelly for a year before I managed to smack some sense back into him. Nowadays he distracts himself by making sure that Mihoshi disrupts Washuus experiments.

Having lost the traditional quick game of rock, paper scissors I cautiously opened the door and peeked inside. I glanced around the interior of the office and was semi-grateful she hadn't redone it since the last time I saw her. It was a western traditionally done office with 60 kitsch everywhere. There wasn't a normal light in the place being almost entirely lit with lava lamps and if you think the lava in those lamps is just hot wax or plastic you haven't been paying attention. The ones marked Pinatubo and Herculaneum are the ones that catch my eye the most. There was no sign of the Lady herself but that didn't make me feel much better. Still, it wasn't like I could put things off. Pushing the door all the way open I walked to the couch in front of her desk and crashed through it like it wasn't there. Not odd, I saw as I got up, as it wasn't. Bob, more quietly than usually slunk through the door behind me and gave me a smirk. I glared at him and brushed myself off as I stood. Still it wasn't as bad as the time there'd been a trapdoor in front of the door that dropped us into Nifelheim. In truth this was pretty lightweight stuff. As if summoned by the thought our boss bounced up from behind her desk and gave us a gamine grin. I don't mean to let you think she's a practical joker. That's just the way she works with those that know her. Her job is to make sure WE don't get too complacent that is to say higher entities. She's even been known to rile the big guy on occasion.

Now that the traditional 'cut them down a notch' sequence was over I summoned up a real couch and sat down gingerly. Even though I'd summoned it myself I wouldn't put tampering with it past her. Seeing I'd made it through unscathed Bob jumped the back of the couch and plopped down next to me. I gave him a pro-forma glare when a whoopee-cushion or hand-grenade didn't go off underneath him and turned my attention back to the boss.

To look at her you wouldn't think she's a Class One, Unlimited deity but she is. In her current incarnation she's a blond moppet about four feet high with a freckled face and golden curls. The classic little girl blue dress with bows, bobby socks and puffy shirt is, in my opinion, overkill. In short she looks like the perfect innocent, until you see the grin. The grin is disturbing to say the least and I've never really been able to quantify why. She's not insane or malicious but you'd be hard pressed to find a more unpredictable entity. The only thing you can count on her for is a devotion to duty that rivals the big guys. I'm not sure if it just because she loves her job or is just a workaholic but her job is first in her life. Bob and I on the other hand do this because it's a job. A fun job sometimes but a job nonetheless.

All this flashed through my mind in the moment I looked at her before she spoke.

"You two look like shit."

I shrugged and Bob looked down at his clothing. She wasn't really talking about our appearance so much as our auras and we both knew it. We'd just come off a five-year tour trying to keep a multi-layer plan by a group of terrorists from eliminating all life in a pretty promising dimensional thread. It was a lot of work and well worth it but we'd been run ragged.

She smiled. "I know you two are tired so I arranged a little working vacation for you."

Bob and I both groaned and covered our eyes. Working vacations are the worst you don't get to really relax and your bosses think they can put you right back in the grinder afterwards.

Eris frowned. "Now don't be that way. This one will actually be fun I promise."

Yeah, sure it would. I didn't bother to hide my doubt and Bob looked like he was considering bolting for the door and to heck with the consequences.

Our boss sat back exasperated. "Really guys I've arranged something cool this time. No limiters."

Bob blinked and sat up and I took notice. Remember what we said about working behind the scenes? No limiters meant we'd be free to be much more overt in our actions. This assignment was beginning to look better.

Bob leaned forward. "So what's the op?" he asked hopefully.

The moppet flicked a finger and two folders appeared in our hands. "A BGC-verse number 23X-498 is about to destabilize and merge with another dimensional thread. I've been asked to keep it around as a test site for a cycle or two so we need to separate it sufficiently from its merging thread. Since we're eventually going to recycle it anyway there's no need not to have some fun. I want the two of you to tweak the primary nodes on the thread.

Bob and I looked at each other and grinned this was going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

I watched as Bob sat on the tip of Tokyo Tower looking off at the mountain-like arcology called GENOM tower in the distance. The past two weeks had been kind of laid back as the two of us had reconnoitered the main chronal/mythological nodes within the city. Nodes are the defining dramatis persona that gives a universe its uniqueness. You've been one though probably not in this incarnation. The system is funny like that. With an infinite number of universes everyone gets a chance to be a hero or villain sooner or later. While there is usually a whole string of codes identifying a universe only the main system really uses them. Those that can jump dimensional tracks or exist simultaneously in many usually refer to the main characters and then a short grouping of symbols identifying the main causality track.

None of which I was thinking about as I climbed up the tower silently behind my heterosexual eternal-life partner. So far my equipment seemed to be working and I hadn't picked up any tripped spells or other signals that would indicate he knew I was here. With any luck I would be able to finish my climb with my cargo and scare the ever-living (heh) heck out of him. The last time I had successfully done this the resulting mana flare had accidentally released a horde of gremlins into the technologic culture we'd been tweaking. Our original assignment had been to keep a Big Brother state from forming and this had fit the bill nicely. To appreciate the kind of joke I was about to pull on Bob you have to remember that the two of us are, for lack of a better term, gods. While we don't have the flash and bang of the heavy hitters like Belldandy, Lucifer, or Joss Whedon it still takes a lot to surprise or harm us. Well, permanently anyway. Consequently, popping a paper bag behind him wasn't going to be enough. Heck, a nuke would just discorporate him. Besides I'd already done that and I didn't want to repeat myself. That's where a thorough knowledge of Bob's history and weaknesses comes into play. Pulling myself up the last couple inches I checked my heads up; still nothing. Grinning, I inched over the edge and began setting up my props. I figured I had about ten seconds before he turned around, plenty of time. With some difficulty I settled the pink dragon wearing a bright blue tutu on the unicycle and handed it the sheet music for the Hello Kitty theme song. If you think that sounds like hard work you should hear how much trouble I had teaching it to play the accordion. The dragon raised its long-suffering face to look at me sadly as I applied the clown makeup and custom made red rubber nose to its gigantic features. This would be the creature's last act as a prop for me and I intended to make the most of it. Before you begin to feel sorry for it keep in mind that this was a former red-dragon of the knight kidnapping, princess fighting variety. Besides, it should have known better than to draw to an inside straight.

Brian J. Mason VP in charge of special projects for GENOM Enterprises glanced around to make sure no one was watching before working a kink out of his lower back. Even after years at the top of the pyramid he'd kept his fathers last words in mind. "Never let them see you stretch." At least that's what he hoped the old man had said. He'd lost an awful lot of blood by that point. Still, the advice had worked out okay for him since. In the middle of the stretch a flash of kaleidoscopic light emanating from the top of Tokyo Tower caught his eye. He would have to check that out later.

Sanity Check… failed

A BubbleGum Crisis Spamfic/self-insert

Original Idea by Bob Wade and Charles Stitman

Based on Bubblegum Crisis

Copyright 2006

I curled up into a ball clutching my sides in agony both from the laughter and the not infrequent kicks Bob was landing on me. Despite the pain and the retribution I would one day have to endure I had judged the whole expenditure of time to be well worth it. The expression on his face had been priceless and the resulting blast of wild mana had swept the city. Covered in custard from the giant cream pie I'd placed below Bob looked less than happy. The dragon, doubtless reinvigorated by the sudden increase in local magical potential, had flown off to freedom. I'd have to make sure I retrieved it before we left. Until then it was on its own.

Leg probably tired from kicking me, Bob eventually stopped and favored me with a sour look and wiped the remaining pie filling from his face. Rolling to my feet I dusted myself off and gave him a smarmy grin. "Oh come off it. You would have laughed your ass off if it had been someone else."

Bob gave this some thought probably applying the comedic principle of the other. In case you don't know it this principle states the conditions of tragedy and hilarity. It's very important in our line of work. Simply put tragedy is my getting a splinter. Hilarity is you being frightened by a tutu wearing, pink dragon in clown face into falling 333 meters into a giant cream pie. He gave me a final kick in the shin and shrugged.

I knew very well that I wasn't forgiven but he was willing to let it go for now. We teleported back to the top of the tower. With a gesture Bob created a magic window for us to look at our first target. In universes with a strong magic basis I'd usually be the one taking the lead as magic deals poorly with the advanced technology I use as a conduit for power. In this universe where technology was just beginning to run rampant Bob got tapped as his magic was less likely to be detected. In our case we had both ends of the 'Advanced Technology is indistinguishable from advanced magic' aphorism covered.

In the magic window we observed a greasy looking administrator of GENOM malfeasance about his daily rounds.

Brian J. Mason second in charge of the vast multi-national corporation. Meant, in the original timeline, to be a major cause of destruction and chaos in pursuit of power. A man in our professional opinion wound entirely too tightly. He was about one click away from losing it. In the original timeline he'd gotten that single click and wound up dead. It was going to be fun giving his main spring a couple more cranks. The resulting reaction should be …interesting. I looked away from the window at my smiling compatriot. "Wing nuts?"

Bob thought about it a second and returned my grin. Wing nuts it was.

Brian Mason looked over the current plans for acquiring more land in the development area. Every year brought an increase in required production and the current plants were already working at capacity. Taking the land would require forcing many of the current residents to find new living places but that hardly affected him He lived in the premiere architectural and technological triumph of the age. The GENOM arcology had taken years to design and the construction had taken longer. He was sure that the building in which HE lived would stand for centuries.

A discordant 'plop, tink' interrupted the executive's inner monologue. Looking around he noticed a small spill of coffee and fished out a small object from within the cup. Flipping the common wing nut around in his hand he looked up at the ceiling. He wasn't sure how he'd missed it before but there was a small gap in the steel plate over his desk. The wing nut must have dropped through. He chucked the wing nut in the trash. Resolving to have a word with the maintenance people about the problem Mason resumed work/gloating.

Bob gave me a grin and a high-five as the fairly complicated spell went off perfectly. That plate had been engineered to a fair-thee-well and the original plans hadn't called for anything with a wing nut to be anywhere near there. It had taken a lot of power on Bob's part and technical knowledge on mine to rewrite the blueprints for the building and rebuild the area immediately over our targets head. With, and this is important, no one noticing. Temporal magic would have been cleaner but even the big boys don't like to screw with causality like that. Besides, it wouldn't have been as much fun. Still I hoped Mr. Mason really liked that wing nut. He was going to be seeing a lot of them.

With the base spell on Mason established we'd be able to keep a close eye on our scheming friend. Don't get me wrong the guy's a bastard but in the broader scheme of things he's just penny-ante. By the time we finished with him he'd be even less of a threat.

&&&&

Sitting in a geosync orbit high above the Earth the Commander of the Genaros space station was having a less than stellar day.


End file.
